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| Grocery store battle wounds |
A Jonah day is essentially a very difficult, taxing, awful day-the kind of day Jonah from the Bible must have had (I imagine running away from God and getting swallowed by a whale makes for a pretty rough time). I'm currently re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series, one of my favorites from childhood, and I just finished a chapter in which Anne has her very own a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad day. She wakes up extremely cranky, with a toothache to boot, but nonetheless decides to go into work. She spends the day in a constant state of irritation, criticizing and snapping at her beloved pupils, giving everyone the evil eye...she was basically throwin' salt all day. By the time she gets home that night, she feels utterly ashamed and terribly guilty, and breaks down in tears as she recounts her transgressions to Marilla.
As a new mom, I'm afraid I can relate to that feeling of guilt; the one you experience when you realize you've not been as patient as you wish you'd been; the shame you feel at getting so completely frustrated and overwhelmed.
A couple of days ago, Jace and I had our first ever bonafide meltdown at the grocery store. I take full responsibility. It happened the day after we got back into town after spending the weekend with family. We were all a little tired, and at our house at least, it takes a day or two before our heads are completely back in the game. Long story short, I didn't think things through very carefully, and I forgot all of the emergency supplies I might need in case disaster struck (paci, blanket, lovie, etc). I also brought Jace in the umbrella stroller, completely underestimating how much I needed and how difficult it would be to push a stroller while trying to carry a heavy basket of groceries (hashtag first world problems). But I couldn't use a cart, because I was already pushing JJ in his stroller. When Jace started screaming, which he rarely does, I didn't know what to do. My toolbox, unlike my grocery basket, was literally empty. I ended up having to hold Jace with one arm, carry the grocery basket on my left forearm, and use my left hand to haphazardly push the stroller through the store with a gallon of milk sitting in the seat instead of a baby. My arm has several small bruises from where the basket handles were digging into my skin.
For the first time since he was born, I was THAT mom at the grocery store. People passing by were looking at me sympathetically, making comments like "Poor baby..." and "Oh, this must be the little guy I heard all the way over in the pharmacy", or looking at me as if to say: "Aren't you going to DO something about that?" An older lady pushing her cart in the opposite direction stopped to let me know that my baby was obviously "terrified," and that his cry was clearly a "scared cry." Part of me wanted to tell her to stuff it, because I was hormonal and tired, but thankfully I bit it back and just replied that it very well could be, although we've been to this store many times and this hadn't happened before. I've come to recognize that I am a touch prideful, and I don't love it when people tell me about my baby. He did seem pretty panicked, though, and when I picked him up out of the stroller, he immediately stopped crying. So I guess the old lady took home a win along with her groceries that day.
We've had a few Jonah days this week (more like Jonah moments, really. The days aren't ALL bad). Jace has been a bit more fussy and clingy then normal, and we aren't sure why. I find myself letting the frustration and the resultant fear and guilt about having those feelings take away from the fun and happy moments, which is sad, because there are so many. Sometimes I look back on the day and realize I spent so much time feeling exasperated from trying to get JJ to do what I want him to do, or what I think he needs to do (like nap), that I didn't enjoy my time with him when he was awake-I was too frustrated with him! And this time goes so fast. He won't always be this little and sweet and completely dependent on me. And to top it all off, I know that he's not trying to irritate me, or make me angry; he's just being a baby! Why am I so quick to lose patience?! I feel like the worst mom even writing this. Am I the only one? I suspect not.
But I feel so guilty and ashamed those days.
"'Marilla, I don't see how I can ever look those children in the face again...You don't know how cross and hateful and horrid I was...I have tried so hard to be patient...and now it has all gone for nothing.'
When Anne's sobs grew quieter, Marilla said, very gently for her, 'We all make mistakes, but people forget them. And Jonah days come to everybody. Never mind. This day's done and there's a new one coming tomorrow, with no mistakes in it yet."'
-Anne of Avonlea
I think the adversary knows the most surefire way to cut me down personally is to make me feel guilty. I don't do well when I feel guilty and afraid. I think I need to learn to let God carry my frustration in the hard moments, and accept that it's just part of parenthood. Feeling frustrated or angry sometimes is completely normal, and it doesn't make me a bad mom, or mean that I'll snap and go crazy one day. I just need to learn to not let the frustrating moments keep me from fully enjoying, embracing, and appreciating the many beautiful moments of motherhood. And, when I do experience a frustrating moment, I need to accept it for what it is, give it to God, let go of the guilt and fear that follows, and remember that after every hard day, there is the promise of a fresh start tomorrow. Because I have such a precious blessing in my sweet little boy. He has brought so much light into our home. I love him to pieces, even on the hard days.
Jonah days do come to everybody, not just me. And that's ok. There's always tomorrow. And it's as fresh and clean as my little babe after tubby-time.
